Sunday, February 1, 2009

When will the journey end

Well here goes, I need to write down my feelings somewhere.

I am tired, exhausted, anxious, emotional, teary, angry all in one day.

I cant sleep, its 1am in the morning and I cant sleep, it will probably be 3am before I nod off and then Ill be up at 7am. Thats 4 hours sleep, how does one survive on 4 hours sleep day in day out.

I know that Sarah is in the best place right now, but my heart is aching, its aching to be a family under the one roof. Some weeks things seem to be the same in regards to her progress, weeks go by and it appears that she is no worse, but no closer to coming home. I need her home.

The hospital is depressing, its full of sick children, every corner I turn lately I see a parent crying or a child suffering and I know that what to expect in a hospital but after weeks seeing it, its really beginning to effect me.

Birth is not meant to be like this, you are meant to fall pregnant, sail through pregnancy, have that glowing look, wear maternity clothes, have people guess how far you are along by the size of your belly, feel your baby doing somersaults inside you. You are meant to feel the agony of contractions and your baby being born into this world, you then are meant to rest in hospital for a few days, feeding your baby and getting to know them before coming home. That is how pregnancy and birth should be and its not how it was for me at all.

I feel as if none of that happened to me, I barely felt any movememnts, not like with the other kids, I was barely wearing maternity clothes, I just looked like I had put on some weight, not that I was cooking a precous baby in my tummy. The end of my pregnancy was full of stress and tests, tests and more tests, what ever happened to enjoying pregnancy.

I knew I was going to have a c-section delivery and I was fine with that, but I didnt even get the chance to discuss my birth plan with my OB, I thought I had plenty of time. I really wanted the screen lowered so that I could have seen my child being born, I missed that the last 2 times and it was something I really wanted to happen, instead I was knocked out not knowing what I was going to awake to, I woke in agony, the pain was indescribable, worse than I had ever felt in my life.

I dont feel like Im a strong person, I feel like I am crumbling, inside I feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out till this journey is over, realistically I know I cant do that but boy do I want to.

So when will this end, or will this ever end, when I think I can see some light at the end, that light gets dimmer and dimmer.

I want my own health back, I imagine because I am barely sleeping that my own energy stocks are depleted, so I seem to forever have a cough, or a rattly chest, or a sore throat, its always something!

Today I was cleaning the bedroom, I twisted the wrong way and felt a tear in my abdo, now I have this stabbing pain right behind my scar. Normally Id be back to playing netabll and physically feeling fantastic, right now I feel really fragile.

Anyway thats enough babble for tonight, might sign off and try and get some sleep


Katrina said...

Oh Kat...

I wish we were closer so there was something more to do than just offer you words....

You may not feel strong, but you are....

BUT you're also human and what you've endured this last 12 + weeks is pure and simple torture, how you've come this far without going loopy is a miracle in itself.

I just so wish there was something more we could do for you except send cyber hugs and support, but you know we're here if you ever need us!!!


Mrs. H said...

I know this might sound strange, but my aunt went through the same thing and (to my knowledge) my cousin was the first known survivor in the world born without a pancreas. Today he is in his 20's and is living a normal life. There is hope and there are others out there who can help if you need them. I can get you in touch with my aunt if you would like someone to talk to who has been in your position... just something I thought I would offer after stumbling upon your post. Email me if you wish.
Best of wishes and heaps of strength.