Reflections

Rule One - Never read back over your own blog entries, its plain scary!

This is the first time I have ever written a blog, and its mostly my random thoughts, how I am feeling in the moment that I write.

During this journey, so many people have said how strong we are as a family, but I can tell you behind the words I have struggled at times.

The last 4 weeks of my pregnancy I was an emotional mess, my poor husband he must have thought what happened to my happy go lucky, go with the flow wife. My dear friend in Sydney, not sure how she heard my though the snuffles some days.

I worked up until 3 weeks before Sarah arrived, the day of my Amnio test was the last day I was there, I had work that was unfinished and I was still in the middle of training my Mat Leave replacement - poor girl

Then the day of the 27th of November I actually wrote an entry in here that I had a feeling of dread, I have no idea really what is was but it had me upset and emotional and searching for answers, it was like I could feel my child slipping away, there were no physical signs, it was just a "feeling" Mothers intuition maybe.

I spoke indepth that night to a few friends online, told them that I had this utter feeling of dread, was I going crazy, the reassured me I wasnt.

The next day I woke early still with that uneasy feeling, my child was slipping away from me, I spoke to a few people that morning and that feeling of dread got less and less.

I think up until this point I was in denial to a point, maybe I didnt comprehend just how small and sick this baby was, Id had a small baby before, my 3rd child was just on 2kgs at birth and he was fine, so was telling myself it will just be like last time, Drs/OB's always prepare you for the worst. This baby would have a growth spurt and everything would be fine, id make it to term you wait and see.

That feeling that something was wrong was gone, like a weight lifted from my shoulders, I casually said to my friend well I better run, might go to the hospital for the CTG early today, its Friday and its always a madhouse up there on Fridays.

What was to unfold I never expected, it came out of left field and hit me for 6! You would think by reading my blog, surely you could see it coming but I couldn't. Had it happened a week earlier, or 3 weeks earlier when I had that gush of fluid I could have seen it coming.

I had been taking belly shots the whole way through this pregnancy, had I known I would have taken a final one that morning, hence the last one was taken 2 weeks prior to Sarah's arrival.

I was even relaxed when I got to the hospital, there was a midwife there that use to see me all the time for my CTG's, her name was Renee and she was so lovely, She would call Sarah the pesky baby!, as she was so small it was hard to get a decent trace, she would keep on moving the bugger! Only Renee didnt work on Fridays, pity about that as we had some weird conversations as she sat there and traced buggalugs.

I loved hearing my babys heart beat away it was so soothing. As the midife was trying to pick it up on that day I wasnt even that concerned when she was having trouble, then she left and came back with another midwife, she asked me again where do we normally pick it up? She had a feel around to see if she could see what position bubs was in, she had a go and no luck either, she did pick it up briefly but I think she picked the placenta up and not the baby. She too left the room not saying much, at this stage I became worried and that feeling of dread from the night before returned. I reached for my phone and sent my dear friend in Sydney a SMS "at hospital having trace done, they cant pick up the heart". Even though I had that feeling of holy shit what is happening, if only Renee was here, I as still calm expecting another midife to come and pick it up. Instead they came back and said you are due for a bio-physical scan today so we will do that first and check where bub is laying.

I was taken into a ultrasound room with a Dr, why wernt the midwives doing like they normally did, this thought didnt actually cross my mind at the time, I just hopped up and went along with it. I could hear them whispering, it was kinda like I as watching a movie, it wasnt me actually laying there, surely this was all a dream. Then the questions "When was the last time you felt baby moving" I had to think, I didnt really know, kicks had just become part of daily life, crap need to think "Yes Im sure I felt movement this morning, maybe last night though.

I should have grabbed for my phone and sent DH a message telling him to hurry and get to the hospital but I thought oh its all ok, they are just going to monitor things for abit longer today.

More whispering, more questions. Then she tells me can I move on my side abit, she is pointing at the heart beat on the screen and saying oh its coming up abit now. Then she tries paging my OB, she wasnt really talking to me, it was more conversation between her and the midwife. Finally she comes and says that your baby isnt doing to well, her heart rate is awefully slow and we cant detect any flo to your baby. I as shitting myself, oh God please dont take this child, not now, Ive come to far, I was trying so hard not to cry, I dont know why Im sure any normal person would have. Alex isnt answering the page, they are not taking the probe of my stomach they are watching the heart rate go down, then it comes up then drops down again. Finally the Dr says I know he is in the hospital I saw him only about an hour ago. She tells the midwife to make sure that heartbeat doesnt get much lower and tells me to lay on my side and not to move. I want to reach for my phone but Im too scared to move. Se leaves the room and returns after a few minutes, behind her is Alex, finally they have found my OB, he will tell them that is all ok, mayb want to admit me for observation.

Alex and the other Dr talked for a few seconds, he then took over the ultrasound. I could see by the look on his face that he wasnt going to say its all ok. He just said very calmly "Your baby isnt doing so well, her heartrate is very low and there is no blood flow to her. We need to deliver this baby now. I could feel the tears welling up. The only thing I managed to say was can I call my husband first, but the reply that came back I wasnt expecting, Im sorry there is no time. He then turned to the other Dr and said we need to call a "Code" "call it as a green".

Ive never been in such an emergency situation - my DD was born by "emergency c-section" but certainly not the emergency this had turned out to be.

On the outside I was trying to be strong, dont cry Karina, if you start you wont be able to stop, but on the inside I was shaking, I didnt want to do this alone. Here I was surrounded by people they were getting IV lines into me, getting my into a gown, asking me if my baby would have a religion, asking me to verify my name, my allergies, what medications Im on, what time did I last eat. I didnt know, oh shit people I had my clexane injection at 11am, now I am going to have to have a general. I didnt want these people around me, rushing around. My OB had disappeared, presumably to getting ready to deliver this baby. Here I as about to have this baby and noone close to me knew of my situation, noone was aware that this baby was to born into a world she was simply not ready for.

As I was being wheeled out I somehow managed to get DH's mobile number to the midwife and she promised she would call for me, how I hoped he was just around the corner and could get there pronto. As it happened he was on the other side of Melbourne and he said it was teh first time in his life that he was scared to walk into a hospital, all he was told was that I had been rushed to theatre and that the babys heartrate was extremely low.

I get into theatre where they confirm due to my injection of clexane they are unable to do a epidural/spinal and it would have to be a general. At this point I was crying, Alex was trying to reassure me but here I as about to have the mask put over my face and I didnt know what I was going to be facing when I woke up, was my baby going to be with us still or was I going to get the "Im sorry we did every thing we could" Would Michael be there, could they contact him.

So off to sleep I went. this must have been about 140pm by now.

I woke at 3pm and OMG the pain was worst than I had remembered from previous c-sections. I as no longer pregnant just in intense pain, they came over and said press this for pain relief, I was pressing for dear life. Then they said you have a stunning baby daughter 735 grams, she is doing well, your husband is with her did you want him, "oh yes I did, the tears were coming again, I think tears of Joy - my baby had held on to meet her mummy.

That night as the longest night so far. I as hooked up to a PCA with a cathetor in and clearly not able to just jump up and go and see my child. I have never prayed so much in my life for her to hold on, please bubby girl hold on till mummy can come and meet you.

She did, she listened to me and she fought through the night. the first time I saw her I was shocked alittle, she was so tiny but she as alive, somehow she managed to just hold on.

How she did Ill never know, She definetly has a guardian angel looking over her, she had so many people praying for her, praying for her to hold on.