Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Im No Artificial Pancreas

Its been one of those weeks, you know when you just cant wait for a new week to start because you feel like grabbing Diabetes around the neck and strangling it to death.

It's so hard to find a nice balance with Sarah and when we do find it, something changes and what has just taken us 6 weeks to find a good balance is no longer working. Its hard to explain the frustration that this brings.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulder at times and one tiny mistake and weeks of hard work goes out the window, and that people are standing by waiting for me to make a mistake and you know what Im human and sometimes humans make mistakes.

Last week I got up and went through the morning routine. Change and dress Sarah. Go and make school lunches, while making breakfast for the older kids and getting them out the door to school on time. Sarah is happy to play for an hour while I get the older kids all sorted which is great.

9am comes and I get Sarah's breakfast. Making sure that I have her cereal weighed to the nearest gram, then out comes the calculator to calculate the carbs.

I bolus for 26 grams. Thats for cereal and the milk used in the cereal and an additionals 80mls of milk in her sippy cup. I take her BSL and its 8.6. Perfect I say.

10am comes around and Sarah has finished her morning Physio session and is getting tired. Its time for morning tea and her sleep.

Out comes the BSL meter. BSL is 26.8, her ketones 1.7. Sarah is incredibly grumpy by now and very out of sorts for her. I wash her fingers and test again, but she is even higher.

I check her pump history and sure enough no Bolus was delivered at breakfast. I was sure I did it. I give her morning tea and 1.5 units to correct the High blood sugar.

I sit there and feel the absolute pangs of guilt. Its my fault that Sarah is feeling so crappy, that her BSL is so high that she doesnt have enough insulin circulating in her blood so her body is developing ketones.

Two hours pass by and I go and check on Sarah.

She is still sound asleep. I check her Blood Sugar and it is LO, so low the meter cannot register a reading. I try and wake her up but she is floppy and having what are called a Diabetic Seizure. There is no fitting, there blood sugar is just so low they are unable to respond to anything.

So out comes an injection of glucagon. This injects sugar immediatly and she comes too and proceeds to vomit, but she is awake and responsive again.

The guilt overcomes you again, because as much as you want to be, you are just not as good as a pancreas is.

You push through the day and another day dawns, but the guilt is forever there.


E. said...

Oh Kat. You ar only human and you are dealing with 1 of only 4 or 5 people in the world with pancreatic agenesis (sp?). Please don't beat yourself up. You are doing brilliantly.

Jonah said...

Diabetes is hard.
But meters aren't super accurate and correcting a really high blood sugar is hard to do accurately when correcting from such a high number. Some people I know retest before treating a high above a threshhold; I either retest in an hour after a correction like that, or else I only correct down in increments.